The
Lenten season has ended, but my journey with anger is just getting
deeper. Over the Lenten season, I thought about: How deep my self-hate
actually is; why I root for underdogs; and How I may unknowingly
discriminate against others.
During the Lenten season, I began to really grapple with how deep my self-hate goes. I wrote about this in my first blog post,
but at that time I did not know just how deep it is and how I have held
a grudge against myself. Upon this realization, I thought that if I
just started to love myself the self-hate would magically disappear...
Sadly,
it does not work that way. By focusing on my self hate more during the
Lenten season through therapy, writing, and mediation, I was able to
explore how I have internalized people's opinions of myself since a
young age. I have sought outside reinforcement of my worth because I do
not have a high opinion of myself. I thought I would gain this through
other means, but I never have. As I have discovered through the Lenten
season, no outside reinforcement has been enough to build a sense of
self-worth, it ultimately has to come from me and me alone.
For
most of my life, I have been active in helping others and advocating
for social justice. I always thought it had to do solely because of my
Quaker upbringing. But during Lent, I reflected more on this. In late
February the poet Shane Koyczan released a video of the slam poem "To This Day" and it made its rounds across the internet. Then in early March his TED talk was
released as well. I have listened to the poem several times and his TED
talk once. His words connected deeply to my experiences growing up
feeling out of place and why I root for the underdog. If I believe that
the underdogs would never win, I would never have a chance. I always
thought if they could win, I could win. I am still working through this
realization and how it has impacted my life and my outlook on life.
Thinking about this "underdog" mentality also reminded me of the movie, Simon Birch,
which I saw years ago. At the end of the movie when the title
character dies, everyone else reflects on what lessons they had received
from him and his tragic circumstances. This is how people, usually
children, with disabilities are portrayed in popular culture as being
here solely so that other people can learn valuable lessons. Afterwards
they are promptly discarded or ignored. They are not to be recognized as
regular human beings with the same desires and feelings, instead they
have a mythical presence. This might be because people with disabilities
are largely ignored or avoided in the real world.
Society
largely does not know what to do with adults living with disabilities.
As kids, at least society will raise money and make movies about us. As
adults, we are often left alone and the discrimination just gets worse.
Another famous example is Helen Keller. Most people learn about her
childhood and about her teacher, Anne Sullivan. But did you know that as
an adult she graduated from college and became a socialist activist,
fighting for human rights? We all like the story of Helen overcoming her
disabilities to communicate, but we never hear the rest of the story of
how she used her communication skills to advocate for others.
Shane’s
poem also raised up the subtle ways my teachers and friends compounded
my self-hate and discriminated against me with their use of words and
their actions. Realizing how language and actions impacted me has made
me wonder how I might discriminate against others with my words and
acts. Now I am looking at what I say and how I act towards others. I
have explored how I treat people and the words I use. In a recent
sermon, I explored the concepts of Light and Darkness. This is just the beginning of that process in exploring ways I might have discriminated against other.
I
did not write a lot during the forty days but I hope to continue to
write and to develop something for children growing up with disabilities
and their families and friends. I continue to welcome anyone who wants
to dialogue on any of these topics. This journey will continue as my
journey with God and Christ continues after the end of Lent.
